The Leadership Mirror - Am I the Problem?

“Magic mirror on the wall, who is the fairest one of all?”

 - Queen, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

Do you ever have the feeling you are lying to yourself?  For example, perceiving that you excel at something when the reality is you don’t measure up?  This deception can produce a “positivity bias” that limits our professional success and threatens our ability to effectively lead others.

Our brain is wired to self-preservation and we can easily behave in a way that puts us in the most positive light.  A recent study found when people were asked to choose the most accurate photo of themselves, from a selection of images that were either accurate or altered to make them look more attractive, the majority selected the photo that wasbetter than reality.  The magic mirror alive and well!

In the excellent book Leadership and Self Deception by the Arbinger Institute, self-deception is described as “the problem of not knowing my role in the problem.”  In other words, self-deception is all about blocking our inner truths.  Once this deception is revealed, a common response is to deflect reality by blaming others or adopting a victim mentality – a situation referred to as being “in the box”.

What is your self-deception – need for control, effective communicator, subject matter expert, sensitive leader, etc…?  
  
My story of self-deception and being “in the box” was about being open to bad news.  I asked my employees to share good and bad news, and they quickly realized my interest in bad news was just talk.  My moment of truth occurred when my managers completed a 360 feedback assessment and my self-deception was revealed.  I learned my managers were working around me to resolve problems, and my boss wanted answers to problems I was unaware of.  My initial thought was to blame my managers, but the reality was I needed to get “out of the box.” I altered my behavior to appreciate and reward my managers sharing bad news.

Three keys to managing self-deception:

Self-Awareness 
Get a clear understanding of your blind spots.  We can deceive ourselves as we achieve positions of power, and my experience is that feedback from others decreases as you rise in the organization.  Validate your strengths, manage your weaknesses, and pay extra attention to building positive relationships.  Managing self-deception is all about understanding how you behave.

Humanity 
As leaders we pledge to treat people with care.  How do we really know?  The answer is to see others as people not objects.  Ask people “what is going on in your world?” to keep the focus on them not you.  Another effective way to connect is learning and using first names.  Think about your last experience at the coffee shop or restaurant – what was the server’s name?  Strangers represent new opportunities.

Vulnerability 
The responses “I don’t know” or “I dropped the ball” are not examples of weakness – they leave us open and project confidence.  People can perceive arrogance and lack of integrity a mile away.  Admit your mistakes and know your limitations.  An effective response is “I made a mistake and here is what I learned”.

Understand your blind spots, treat people with care, and leave yourself open to learn.  A mirror is a reflection of how you see yourself – let it be the leader you need to be, not the leader you pretend to be.